areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
