My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
