Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
