i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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