I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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