Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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