So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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