So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize