There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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