Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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