I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
