Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
