my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
