and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
