I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
