If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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