She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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