After last night, I could never be a politician.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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