i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm at about main and main street
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
