Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize