Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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