my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Found your dick twin last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My dick has a subreddit
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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