sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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