I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
His nipple licking is glorious
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
