I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
