During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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