Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
