I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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