you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
