Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
