Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
