if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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