you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So squirting runs in the family.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
