my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize