I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
