Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize