I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
