You're my little dorito
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
