Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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