Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
