the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
