so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
