the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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