When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
