my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
