Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
