I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
