it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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