Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
