Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
